There’s a myth going around in the sex positive community that even people who don’t identify with its praxis and viewpoints have accepted. That all kinks, fetishes and paraphilias are a) innate b) that all are acceptable/non-problematic and c) they can never be changed.
All three are wrong but this post is going to focus on the final point: That kinks [supposedly] cannot be changed. This may be highly triggering and potentially disturbing to some readers. Continue reading at your own discretion.
I for one, had a rape kink. I, like a large number of women (and some men) had fantasies that required me to internalize patriarchy’s role for women. To be subjugated to men and for men to act against me in a way that reinforced male dominance through the use of male violence.
I no longer have these fantasies. Clearly this is not impossible and I am sure many other people can attest to no longer having sexual interests or inclinations that are aggressive, hateful or violent (I use the word hateful, because rape is a hate crime and is never, under any circumstances “sexy” or should be sexualized).
Here’s what I did to no longer have these fantasies.
For starters, violent fantasies usually depend on the glamorization, glorification and sexualization of the perpetrator. Place emphasis on the impact of rape, not from the person “enjoying it”/the rapist, but from the victim. When rape actually happens, the psychological, emotional and physical side affects of it are horrifying, traumatic and depressing.
Since these fantasies require an emotional and empathetic disconnect from the actual trauma from rape, emotional reprogramming will be involved: READ ACTUAL FIRST-HAND ACCOUNTS OF THE MENTAL BACKLASH OF RAPE VICTIMS, READ THEIR STORIES AND THE STORIES OF THEIR FAMILIES, LOOK AT HOW THE SEXUALIZATION OF RAPE MAKES IT THAT MUCH MORE DIFFICULT TO REPORT IT IN SOCIETY BECAUSE OF THE MENTALITY THAT RAPE CAN SOMEHOW BE ENJOYABLE FOR THE VICTIM. YOU NEED TO TAP INTO YOUR EMOTIONS AND ABILITY TO NOT JUST SYMPATHIZE, BUT EMPATHIZE.
I cannot stress this enough.
Both for people who, in their fantasies, are the perpetrator or the victim.
Also, porn consumption: Stop it. There is a pattern in pornography and that is that the majority of it is racist and misogynistic. The porn industry is a male dominated industry, with scenes being directed to suit the demand of a mostly male audience and that male audience, being conditioned by a misogynistic society (and raised in rape culture), see violence against women as something that is sexualized. Because of this, the majority of porn focuses on female humiliation, sometimes its subtle, sometimes its extreme and violent with women being urinated on, called hateful slurs and physically being assaulted during painful penetrations, sometimes by multiple male individuals. The demand for violent pornography is increasing and so the industry is giving the users just that. This is the type of stuff that is shaping our sexuality. Patriarchy and its systems a.k.a rape culture, violence against women as a weapon to keep us intimidated by men, etc.
With free, all-around-the-clock access to this type of media, it’s easy to see how porn addiction can become a problem, despite what many sex-positive activists might say (i.e.: That you can never consume too much porn). It is also a part of what makes it so difficult to drop violent kinks that rely on the idea of women being nothing more than subjugate objects who exist for male pleasure and to experience pain from men.
Remember: rape is never sexy
rape victims do not enjoy their rape
sexualizing rape supports victim blaming and rape apologism
sexualizing rapists is dangerous and supports rape culture
RAPE IS NEVER OKAY. IT SHOULD NOT BE A KINK. IT IMPACTS REAL PEOPLE, REAL LIVES AND THE VERY CULTURE YOU LIVE IN.
Libfem logic: You harass a woman for being sexually active, you’re a “slut-shamer” and have internalized misogyny. You harass a woman for not being sexually active and you’re trying to free her from conservative, puritanical, patriarchal oppression.
You harass a woman for not covering her body, and you’re a body-shamer and have internalized misogyny. You harass a woman for covering her body, and you’re a progressive, forward-thinking feminist trying to make her realize and accept just how oppressed she is."
When FAAB people are brought up into a world where they are intentionally socialized to respond passively to male assertion, aggression and entitlement and when that same group is more likely to be harassed, abused and raped by the aggressive, dominant group, it makes a lot of sense why women become “comfortable” in the submissive role. This is because trying to breach the walls patriarchy has set up to limit female progression towards liberation means facing the threat of male violence or actually experiencing it. We end up convincing ourselves that we are better off in our patriarchal cages than liberated from them without having to endure the domineering presence of our oppressors.
You’ll notice this if a woman rejects a man’s sexual advances and dismisses his “compliments”, suddenly he becomes hostile and aggressive and goes from: “Damn girl, you’re so cute/sexy/hot, etc” to “You’re not that cute/sexy/hot anyways,” or “You’re just an ugly bitch/dyke, etc.”